10 People You’ll Meet In Freshers’ Week
You’re already here, and you’ve probably already drunken yourself into a stupor and been forced to stare down the bowl of a toilet twice, congratulations! You may have no memory of anyone you’ve met so far, but freshers’ week isn’t over and you still have time to build meaningful bonds with all of the following types of people.
Provided they didn’t disappear the moment no-one was looking, your STYCs are your best friends for the remaining 120 hours of freshers’ week! You should try to stay within 10 metres of them at all times, and avoid socialising with anyone other than them, as they have been here longer and are therefore in charge of you. You should obey them at all times, but make sure you don’t come across as too keen! You don’t want to get into a relationship with a STYC, after all! Be sure not to anger your STYCs, that’s a surefire way to find yourself failing at University and making no friends.
The College Team
Like STYCs, your College Team are your masters now. Unlike your STYCs, however, your College Team are behind the scenes, orchestrating your route through University in secret. You should listen closely whenever you speak to one of them, and never blink. Your College Team can read your thoughts, so don’t even try to hide your sins from them! They may forgive you if you throw yourself down at their knees and scream out all the wrongs you have done. Don’t fret if your College Team orders you to do something your STYC has forbade – the College Team carry authority STYCs fear. Simply relay your allegiance to the College Team, ideally in the form of your College Team Obedience Chant, which you should be able to find in your freshers’ pack.
It’s all been a bit scary so far, but don’t worry, you’re not alone! In freshers’ week, freshers are all over the place carrying errands for their STYCs and College Team overlords. If you get a chance between scrubbing the floors of your STYCs’ house and your daily College Team worship, be sure to introduce yourself to other freshers. We’ve drafted up an example conversation, which you can use if you aren’t sure how to do this!
You: Greetings, I am also a fresher and I am slacking from my College Team worship to connect with you.
Other Fresher: You should get back to your worship and errands, compatriot, they see all!
You: They cannot watch us every second of freshers’ week. They were like us once.
Other Fresher: I PLEDGE MY OBEDIENCE TO THE COLLEGE TEAM, MAY THEY PROTECT ME AND SEE ME TO SUCCESS IN UNIVERSITY AND FRIENDMAKING, MAY THE STYCS NOT IMPEDE MY FEALTY AND MAY HEATHENS BE CAST OUT.
That Religious Guy
Towards the end of freshers’ week the STYCs will slowly disappear, and soon you will be able to connect with more of your fellow freshers. This will most likely take the form of discussing the principles of atheism and organising tickets for the Secular Conference, but before you have even managed to list off your top five favourite Richard Dawkins books, ONE of your flatmates will put up their hand and say something like:
“I do not read Dawkins’ books as I am religious and closed to the light of secularism.”
Ugh! This guy is the worst.
Student journalists have been here as long as STYCs, but you needn’t worry about them – they’re harmless. Instead of pledging to their College Teams, they failed in their duties or perhaps committed the crime of blasphemy or disobedience against them and have been banished to writing for the student papers. You can often find them hanging out in D-Bar reading Nietzsche and drinking a Cnosta Massivo Hot Chocolate, or a Latte or perhaps an Americano or even an Espresso. Even if they are despicable defilers of the College Name, they have fantastic taste in business establishments. Try to avoid them, though, or soon you may find yourself banished too!
Fire Safety Guy
Fire Safety Guy lives for only one reason. His will is that of salvation – salvation from the eternal fires below. You should pay heed to his advice, for after he has spoken he disappears, and you shall never meet him again.
The College President
You know their face, you might even know their name, but never speak it. The College President is everywhere, and is beyond words. How you act around the College President could change your entire University experience – take my advice, now, and do as I say to achieve your intended result:
-If you seek wealth, pull out your wallet or purse and throw money at them; soon you will be granted riches beyond your wildest dreams.
-If it is love your heart yearns for, approach the College President and kiss their feet. Then leave without a word, you must not overstay your welcome in the presence of the College President.
-For health and fitness, you must block the movement of the College President and lunge five times, blocking them from moving whichever way they turn. You will then be challenged to a competition of your choice – best the College President and your future as the mightiest of Jocks is certain.
You already know this person. You knew them the moment you saw them. Before their clothes were confiscated and they were forced to wear the freshers’ initiation garb they likely had a Disney character on a T-shirt. If you ever drink around them they will shake their head solemnly and leave the room immediately. What a buzzkill! You should try to force this person to drink at every available opportunity, they may still be capable of salvation and could even be a STYC or College Team member one day.
The Music Person
This person plays music, and has probably played music for several years. They are not bad at music, but you still hate them with every fibre of your body and soul. They might even study music. You will probably hear them at night, strumming on an acoustic guitar and singing their love and devotion to the College Team and their College President. Once you have heard this, you must relinquish your hatred, as it is the will of the College President.
Everyone sees me in freshers’ week. When you do, inform your STYCs that you must speak with ‘our mutual friend’, and I will perform the initiation ritual and at last you will be freed from the tyranny of the STYCs. Fail to do this and you will be subjected to their whims for all time.