STATE OF EMERGENCY: CAMPUS RAG HACKED

YUSU President Kallum Taylor was the first to decry the cyber attacks. Credit: Philippa Grafton

Martial law is to be declared across campus today after stalwart publication and defender of personal liberties Campus Rag fell victim to cyberattacks.

Readers of Campus Rag woke up this morning to find their sturdy and reliable source of campus news had been replaced with an outlet for male enhancement supplements and narcolepsy medication. While suspicions have been raised as to whether Campus Rag editor Ashley Reed had any connection to the attack, our sources tell us that she was unconscious for the duration of the incident and, furthermore, that she “was completely wankered.”

Leaked: Secret documents show detailed plans ahead of the declaration of martial law.

An inquiry has been called to determine the nature and source of the attack, and newly elected YUSU President Kallum Taylor held a crisis summit in Central Hall. Speaking to a crowd of drunken STYCs, aggravated student politicians and people who really had no idea what was going on or why they had been forced to wake up to attend a meeting at 2AM, he delivered YUSU’s response:

This incident is the latest in a series of unacceptable breaches to the University of York’s security. Our citizens know not who to trust, nor how to protect themselves and their loved ones. This simply cannot be allowed to continue. I speak to all those among us who woke up this morning to find our lovers in tears, our children screaming and our pets attacking each other when I say that this aggression constitutes an act of war, and by God we shall show our enemies the true meaning of fear! To arms, comrades! Man the barricades, dig the trenches; we may die but we shall never be slaves!

Immediately after giving his speech, President Taylor was seen whooping and guffawing atop Central Hall. This morning, leaked YUSU documents show the plans for the imposition of martial law, expected to come into effect later today.

Don’t worry, we’re here for your protection!

To bolster the ranks of the University of York’s Military Corps (UYMC) and prepare for a prolonged conflict with our unseen aggressors, YUSU has today introduced conscription for all able-bodied, white, middle-class, cisgender, heterosexual male British students. While he declined a full interview, new conscript Private Smith had a few words for us:

This is a fucking pisstake.

Thanks for your service, Private! We’ll keep you, our readers, updated as the situation progresses!