Men named ‘Daniel William Heyford’ most likely to cheat, shows investigation

There’s just something about a ‘Daniel William Heyford’ that you just can’t trust, the stinking lying cheat.

Campus Rag’s recent, cutting edge piece of research into cheating at university has discovered that men named ‘Daniel William Heyford’ are most likely to be unfaithful to their partner. The investigation, carried out last night at precisely quarter to eight in the evening, confirmed suspicions scientists have had for weeks.

Our study was conducted using methodology including but not limited to: reading his texts, following him to the pub and watching him meet up with and snog a lady with a better bum than me. Using these methods we can say with almost completely certainty that men name ‘Daniel William Heyford’ are considerably more likely to cheat, because who else does that to a person who loves them, Daniel?

The study would even go as far as to posit that there are ‘Daniel William Heyford’s’ out there who are cheating on their partners right now, as we didn’t see them in the lecture this morning. Peer reviews have shown scientists are speculating that further research could be used to confirm the correlation between ‘Daniel William Heyford’s’ and ‘useless pig scum with turd for brains’.