Which of the drugs in this bag my friend Harry gave me last week is your college?

It looked innocuous enough. Buy the bag here, if you really want to: http://www.redbubble.com/people/tabner/works/15451715-i-dont-need-life-im-high-on-drugs?p=drawstring-bag

I first met Harry in the library at 4am, the night before his deadlines. He was extremely passionate about his subject – while I was trying to write the last 100 words of my conclusion (it was an essay about phallic symbols in Shakespeare, I’m hoping to get into the Journal of Undergraduate Research, I’ll have you know) he spoke my head off for a whole 37 minutes. There was something really amazing about him – here he was, at 4 in the morning, and he was jumping around all over the place. Weirdly, before he finished his work, he ducked his head below the desk and chucked a bag at me. He told me to hold onto it, and that he’d be right back. I stayed up all night, but he didn’t come back.

I couldn’t even think of it at first, but a few days later my curiosity had built, and built. When I finally opened the bag, I found an assortment of pills and plants that I could never have imagined. Of course, I realised what a good idea for an article this whole thing was immediately, and I made an appointment with the other Campus Rag writers to bring to you: Which of the drugs in this bag my friend Harry gave me last week is your college?

Alcuin – Valium

Some people just need to get away from everything, and if you live in Alcuin then that is definitely a description of you. Especially if you’re a medical student. You guys need a break, big time.

Constantine – Cocaine

Between Usman’s 24th and 25th ‘Presidential Hours’ of the year the deadlines are looming and everything seems bleak. Constantine knows how to handle everything, though. It’s got a secret trick up its sleeves: that’s right, it’s cocaine.

Derwent – Speed

“HEY, BRODUDE – CAN I LIKE, TOTALLY ASK YOU TO VOTE FOR ME IN THE COLLEGE ELECTIONS? YEAH, I’M LIKE, WAY MORE ON IT THAN THE OTHER CANDIDATES. DUDE. COME WORK OUT. WE’RE GOING TO HIT THE TOWN LIKE WAY HARD TONIGHT, I EXPECT TO SEE YOU IN WILLOW. WE’LL BE BEATING UP THE LANGWITH DORKS.”

Goodricke – Paint in a bag

Goodricke wants to be cool. Goodricke spends a lot of money on fancy accommodation, but not as much as Langwith and Constantine. Goodricke doesn’t fit in. Goodricke lives in the middle of nowhere, with all the other sods. Maybe it would be easier to stick some paint in a bag and be done with it.

Halifax – Weed

I’ve been there, you’ve been there. We all know that if anywhere could be crowned Weed Capital of York, it’d be Halifax. No doubt.

James – Poppers

I don’t really have a justification for this one, but poppers had to turn up here somewhere. I don’t know, would you say James College is full of party animals? Do they like legal highs? Are they just looking for an easier way to reliably enjoy anal sex? If all of those were true, James College would definitely be poppers.

Langwith – Ketamine

I hate Langwith, so it’s ketamine for you.

Vanbrugh – Ecstasy

Everyone always told me I was a Vanbrugh person, and do you know what? I agreed with them. I hated every second of my existence in that god awful college I actually attended, and I spent all of my damn time with Vanbrugh people, and if you don’t like it then jog on. Vanbrugh is ecstasy, by the way.

Wentworth – Citalopram

Well, you did it. You really did it. Good job. I hope it was worth it.

Bonus: Fairfax – Shrooms

I mean, these things practically grow on the walls, right? I’ve never actually been to Fairfax, but I’ve seen it before and it looks like the type of place where you’d have to be on a different planet all hours of the day just to cope.