Transgender people are a mass hallucination, claims York student

Look at this pish we made in photoshop. There’s only one of them, get it?

An anonymous student has ‘blown the whistle’ on the university’s transgender inclusivity policies, calling for them to ‘stop the madness’ and cease making accommodations for a fictional identity group.

The student, who asked not to be identified, says he feels he is the only sane man left on campus after YouSue put forward the motion to enable trans* people to safely go to the bathroom, by building toilets that don’t require a gender identity to enter.

“It’s a matter of security,” he claimed in a telephone interview that we faithfully recorded and sent to all our friends. “If I can’t be sure what genitalia someone has, what’s the fun in camping outside the toilets and watching who goes into which one? I have to know! It’s vitally important!”

He has responded with derision to claims that he is a voyeur.

“The real issue here is money,” he complained. “Transgender people don’t exist, but we’re spending huge amounts of our chancellor’s potential bonus on enabling them to live without judgement or harassment. I’m sick of concessions being paid to the few students who claim that such people are real. Send them to Open Door.”

Was he concerned that his liberation efforts might be simultaneously detrimental to mentally ill people?

“What? Isn’t it obvious? I care deeply for men with mental health problems. I care so much about them, that’s the whole reason I’m saying we have to fight this. There are precious, intelligent men who have been taken in by this story. These are men who could be leading the free speech movement or the fight to leave the NUS. Instead they’re spending their time helping non-existent victims and campaigning as ‘allies’. It’s all this mollycoddling of the students nowadays. We’re afraid to tell people that they’re wrong.”

But when questioned, he revealed proudly that he was ‘not your average transphobe’.

“I’m a concerned citizen. I’m watching the people around me talk about these issues as if they are real and important. Everywhere on campus, people are talking to thin air as if there are real people there. The entire LGBTQ community has recently conspired to elect a fictional person as their officer! In fact, they elected two of them, but now there’s only one? They can’t even get their story straight. These people aren’t real. They don’t exist. It’s a plot by the gays to change the campus into their communist safe space.”

We asked him to elaborate on the political aspect of his claim, but he didn’t seem to hear.

“We’re doing them a favour, really. Do you think the real world is going to be as kind to them? When you’re working a real job, nobody’s going to hold your hand and explain to you that your imaginary friend isn’t real. We have to stop them here, now, before the hallucination spreads. That’s why I’ve organised Transgender Awareness Week here at York, so we can spread the knowledge of this mass delusion and show as many people as possible the way to stop believing in this cult of lies.”

We attempted to find out how he felt about the claim of the LGBTQ network that they had, in fact, organised Transgender Awareness Week. He continued talking as if we had never spoken. It sounded a little like he was holding the phone at arm’s length and shouting.

“Maybe it’s something in the water. Maybe they’re drinking out of the lake. Maybe FemSoc have brainwashed them under the thumb of the Women’s Officers. We should have stopped them when they started! Now they’re demanding human rights! Well I’ve got news for them: they don’t grant human rights to hallucinations. Sorry, did I trigger you? Well good! Welcome to the real world, where we only listen to calm, rational people, and facts, and logic. And the fact is, all your statistics and lived experiences are wrong, and your friends don’t exist. You should be thanking me. It’s just freedom of speech.

“Oh, and if you want to read more of my opinions, I’m starting a column for one of the other student papers next week.”