Five boring men who think Corbyn needs to go

Britain’s elite is in disorder. Last week, voters turned out in unprecedented numbers to make one of the biggest mistakes that a collective of tens of millions of people have ever unleashed upon the Earth. While immigrants are being abused and attacked on the streets, politicians are turning on each other as the unexpected referendum result becomes a game of pointing the finger and shouting at your own side, effectively an orgy of self-sabotage. We here at Campus Rag take the nuanced view that everything is Jeremy Corbyn’s fault, and these five boring men agree with us:

Image: Freeimages.com/Beermug

Simon Henkelbutt, 23:

“I’ve supported the Labour Party ever since it stopped caring about outdated ideas like income equality, world peace and creating a decent standard of living through national services. While I’m not necessarily opposed to these ideas, I do think that Labour should be doing as little as possible to differentiate itself from the Conservatives so that we can win back those swing voters, or at least we should try to find someone who stands for those same ideas but does it in a way that seems more evil and detached like the voters are used to.”

Image: Freeimages.com/Joanna Nurmis

Robert Bragsworth, 32:

“As a PhD student and Green Party supporter, my view on this issue is far more important than anyone else, especially the Labour members who still overwhelmingly support Corbyn! The fact of the matter is that I don’t personally believe that all of Corbyn’s policies can be realistically implemented. I haven’t done any research, but I think he should just abandon his principles and advocate a sort of compromise between neoliberalism and all that ‘socialism’ stuff he goes on about. You can tell just how far gone he is because a few people are holding SWP (not even his party!) placards at his Momentum rallies, which I’ve never seen at any of the protests I’ve not been to before and clearly proves he’s a rape apologist like they are. Really, though, all I’m doing right now is points scoring. Anyone want to join the Greens?”

Image: Freeimages.com/Enrica Garroni

Fungus Foxstone, 21:

“What we needed during the EU referendum was a hack leader who would storm onto a stage and tell people some absolute shite about how the EU is an amazing vehicle for change and it’s going to make every workplace have a perfect gender balance, eliminate racial hatred and usher us into the age of space colonisation by 2020. Instead, Corbyn went out and gave a nuanced opinion about how the EU is a deeply flawed body that we can’t afford to leave. When’s he finally going to realise that politics is about lying to people? He’s dead in the water and can’t quit fast enough.”

Image: Freeimages.com/Bruno Schievano

Algar Nyle Saxon, unknown age:

“Problem today is everyone’s gone too soft. Back in my day if you wanted to immigrate to Britain you had to sing God Save The Queen while masturbating into a mouldy sock and being lashed at least fifty times with a cat whip. Who’s Corbyn again?”

Image: Tom Evans, http://www.nationalarchives.gov.uk/doc/open-government-licence/version/3/

David Cameron, 49:

“As leader of the Conservative Party, it’s my job to ensure that the opposition is as strong as possible, especially when our own Party is tearing itself apart. That’s why, just for the sake of good sport and solidifying my legacy as the worst Prime Minister in history, I think that Mr. Corbyn should stand down, and let a more accomplished and respected politician like Stan Jarvis take over.”