Children everywhere rejoice as Swiper sentenced to life in prison
Children all across the world collectively screamed in joy today as nefarious villain Swiper the Fox was finally given a life sentence by Freddy the Judge. The guilty verdict came earlier this month, and sentencing was carried out this morning in a special episode of Dora the Explorer.
Swiper gained extreme notoriety this year after he stole a packet of Warpers Silt & Vinegar crisps and an Ares bar from a One Stop Shop in Wolverhampton. For the first time in Dora the Explorer history, it seemed that children just didn’t shout ‘Swiper, no swiping!’ loud enough to stop the furry fiend.
For valiant hero Dora Marquez, this was one step too far. She reported the incident to her friendly neighbourhood behavioural enforcement officer. Swiper was apprehended in a public urinal in Pendeford as he was suffering an allergic reaction to the stolen chocolate.
Children were invited to watch the trial and vote for the sentence by shouting as loud as they could. As capital punishment has been outlawed in the UK since 1965, the children’s’ votes had to be discounted and a mandatory sentence of 135 years was imposed by default.
MP & Head of the Crown Prosecution Service Sir Keir Starmer spoke outside the court on behalf of the prosecution:
Today justice has been done: that despicable young thug Swiper will be sent to prison and if God smiles upon us he will never again see the light of day. Of course I know this verdict strikes a sombre note with many who believe life in jail is too good for this wretched monster. Rest assured, I will personally advocate for the reintroduction of capital punishment for as long as I am politically relevant.Sir Keir Starmer DPP CPS KCB QC D.U. LL.D. BCL MP
Swiper was last seen being escorted out of the court room crying and swearing. “You’re too late!”, he sniffed. “Now you’ll never find my final secret!”, he screamed, crocodile tears pouring from his wicked eyes. His collection of vintage vodka bottles was discovered in the trash can outside the courtroom later this afternoon.