Breaking: Jeremy Corbyn has resigned as leader of the Labour Party

The End of Corbyn

It’s a day of great joy as that dragon, Jeremy Corbyn, has finally been beheaded. As foretold in the Statesman Scrolls, the spectre haunting Europe has been deposed. Jeremy Corbyn has today stood down from his position as leader of the Labour Party and the Opposition. Now middle class Londonites and cynical temporary Lib-Dem converts can pat themselves on the back and say, well done, the era of hope has at last been culled.

Chuck the Corbynite activists to the wolves, throw the struggling single mothers into jail and purge every Labour member left of good old Gladstone. We’re in the Wilderness years: a new Blair could be just around the corner, and we couldn’t be happier.

Lies, lies and more lies

Corbyn, the great deceiver, released a statement today that read:

It is with great pride that I have led this party over the last 5, 10, 20… How many years has it been? A lifetime it feels like, certainly. I led this party through difficult times on a message of hope and I have heard I inspired millions of young people to care about this country and their futures, and the futures of the people around them.

It would be amiss of me not to mention the controversy surrounding my leadership. Many have questioned my links with Vladimir Putin. Some have speculated I am but some foreign agent sent to make the United Kingdom a pawn for Russia’s ambition. This could not be further from the truth.

Yes, I do know Putin well, as a close friend, but never once at any of his lavish parties replete with fine wines, busty women and bustier men I happen to attend biweekly has he ever attempted to sway me from my course.

I have never once leaked secret intelligence from the privy council to my close friend Vladimir Putin. My pal Putin has never bribed me to change policy to make the United Kingdom more vulnerable to Russian attack. My best friend Putin is just that, a friend, whom I speak with every night in a hushed voice on pay phones down dark alleys and in seedy establishments about ordinary matters, such as the correct preparation of homemade jam.

In any case, I’ve always believed what I do in my own time is my business alone. The important thing is that I did right by the people who needed me, and I feel very good in that regard.

I wish all the best of luck to whomsoever replaces me, they’ll certainly need it!

Comrade Jeremy “The Bastard” Corbyn MP

The Future of the Labour Party

With that final croak, we look on towards the future. Deputy leader of the Labour Party Paul Nuttall announced that nominations for leadership will be open this week for a contest across December.

Speculation has it that the honourable Head of the Crown Prosecution Service Sir Keir Starmer MP is considering a bid. He will likely be challenged by the fellow rising Labour hotshots Lord Ian Austin & Ed Miliband MP. It is at this time unknown which Corbynite stooge will run in a pathetic ploy to drag us back into kindness and irrelevance.

Here at Campus Rag, we fully intend to provide up to the second, impartial and unbiased coverage of this exciting moment in political history. So set your alarm clocks: we’ll be back with more coverage when the nominations start coming in. In the meanwhile, Harriet Harman has been appointed interim leader of the Labour Party. She said:

It is time for us to reach across the aisle and make friends with the Tories. For too long Parliament has been subject to disagreement and divisive ideologues. Under my iron fist, I will ensure that Labour abstains on each and every motion of importance, to reassure the voter that Labour is throwing ideas and principles out the window.

We will be the party of nothingness once again!

Harriet Harman MP

Inspiring words.