Labour leadership profile: Lord Ian Austin

Name & Title: Lord Ian Austin, Baron Austin of Dudley

Age: 55

Slogan: ‘Red Tories for a Blue Labour’

Key policies:

• I will seek a military alliance with Israel
• I will end devolution and send the troops in to Ireland to bring it back into the Union
• I will run the harshest period of austerity Britain has ever seen, bringing us back to the Victorian era when our country was great
• I will bring the colonies back into commonwealth and re-establish the British Empire
• I will close British borders to ensure only British people are allowed to live and work here
• I will declare war on Russia

Previous jobs: I’ve never really had a job outside of politics because I didn’t need one. I wrote about cycling for a while but it wasn’t my true calling. In the past I’ve worked for Gordon Brown and I was a member of the shadow cabinet under ‘Red Ed’ Miliband. Don’t worry, his extremist views didn’t rub off on me!

Tell us a bit about yourself: I’m a true blue Labour member. I think Britain is for the British, that the starving poor should just work harder and I think Jeremy Corbyn and Ian Lavery are disgraceful fucking cunts. Excuse my language. I received a well deserved life peerage from our prime minster Boris Johnson, whom I like to think I have a friendly rivalry with. I think Prime Minister’s Questions would be very fun with me in charge.

What makes you different from the other candidates? I am even more patriotic than the Tories. I love the Queen and I think the only ‘problem’ with neoliberalism is that it’s taken us too far to the left. Voting for me is an easy choice.

How will you fix Labour’s electoral misfortunes? Well, if you think my policies above are exciting – just you wait. Let’s just say that the debate on Christmas day is going to be very, very exciting indeed.

Any last words? I may have failed my eleven pluses, but I won’t fail the country. Vote Lord Austin for leader.

This article was produced as part of Labour leadership month here at Campus Rag. Click here to go back to the candidate profile hub.