Labour leadership profile: Sir Keir Starmer
Name & Title: Sir Keir Rodney Starmer DPP CPS KCB QC PC D.U. LL.D. BCL MP
Slogan: ‘Another New Labour is possible’
- To work with, not against, the government
- To lead as a true socialist, but to reopen the party to the right
- To end put an end to divisive politics and idealism
- To distance the party from all campaigns, beliefs and trade unions
- To purge the radical left from the party
- To prosecute anyone who criticises me
Previous jobs: I was a defence lawyer, which I’m very proud of. Nowadays as well as being an MP I’m also the Director of Public Prosecutions and Head of the Crown Prosecution service. As head of the CPS I stand up for the rights of police to make extrajudicial killings as often as they’d like with no legal consequences and I send young black people to jail over rioting and minor drug offences. I also make sure poor people on benefits get locked up over petty fraud and believe inappropriate posts on social media should carry a prison sentence. As I said before, I’m very proud of my work.
Tell us a bit about yourself: First of all, I’d like to make it clear that you are legally required to refer to me as ‘Sir Keir Starmer.’ It is my prerogative to prosecute any and all who violate this required show of respect for my achievements. Despite the claims by some on the extreme fringes of the party that I’m a member of the ‘soft left’ and that I don’t ‘have true Labour values’, I want to make it clear that I am really a socialist at heart. I do believe we need to open the party to anyone up to and including soft fascists, but that’s hardly incompatible with being a socialist, is it?
What makes you different from the other candidates? I believe that my clean cut, professional look by itself makes me stand out. If that’s not enough for you, just remember that I am a Knight of the Realm. I am better than you, and you are obliged to respect and admire me.
How will you fix Labour’s electoral misfortunes? Tony Blair once said, “I would never do anything to harm the country or anything improper. I think most people who have dealt with me think I’m a pretty straight sort of guy, and I am.” I’ve taken those words to heart, and I hope that people would think the same of me as they do of our former leader. I believe that another New Labour is exactly what we need at this political moment. Too many people have attempted to drag Labour away from centrist, middle-of-the-road nihilistic politics. If I am elected leader, I will make sure that no white middle class Londonite ever feels uncomfortable in the party again, and I will tempt Tory and Lib Dem voters over to the party.
Any last words? I want to be the second best Labour leader named ‘Keir’ we’ve ever had. Vote Sir Keir Starmer.